Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in ceciledubois89's LiveJournal:

Thursday, July 26th, 2007
9:53 pm	First year of college I would say my first year of college was perhaps the most educational yet hardest 9 months I ever had to face. I made friends, I lost friends, I learned who I was, but more importantly, I believe I grew to be a better person. I finally woke up one day this summer and realized certain things that happened were not that big a deal. I finally was able to let go of meaningless anger or disappointment because it was holding me back from who I could be. I admit, I am human and cannot be a steel like robot, incapable of processing emotions forever. For those of you who I think may be reading this, I no longer care what was in the past and am mildly curious as to what you are up to. I hope everyone is having a fab summer and hope that everyone's college career or time in college gets better. Take care, author (Comment on this)
Monday, April 9th, 2007
11:22 pm	Memories of my mother On the Train My earliest memory of my mother is sitting on her lap and having her coax me to sing along with her when she would read books to me. One of the books was called “Dannio.” Another time, she would bathe me and wash my hair, singing, “Wash that man right out of your hair!” or “Daisy, Daise…give me your answer true…I’m half crazy over the likes of you, It won’t be a stylish marriage, upon a horse or carriage but you’ll look sweet upon a seat of a bicycle built for two.” I remember my favorite nursery rhyme was “Oranges and Lemons, say the bell of St. Clemens..” My mother chose to stay at home and write free-lance instead of pursuing other goals or ambitions, mainly because she wanted the best for me and wanted to be there for me as much as possible. She pulled me out of my elementary school when my life was in danger, and listened to me when I came home crying because of bullies, stress, or fights with friends. She would let me sleep in her bed when there was a frightening spider in my room, and killed many harmless arachnids to calm me down. She taught me the difference between right and wrong, what was ethical and unethical. 17+ years passed before I came to appreciate her for her selflessness. In short, was she a great mom. My words fall short of what I really have to say about her. It was 2:30pm and I was only awake for 90 minutes, getting into the bad habit of sleeping in too often. My plans were to go to Geisel Library and study all day…well not really as study as much as outline, work on a paper, and hang out with a friend the moment I got bored. My second weekend in San Diego this quarter and I have to come home. I got a call from a friend of my mother’s telling me that I should take the soonest train because my mom was in “distress.” My mother was in agony for the past several months. Unlimited pain patches, fentanyl lollipops, pain pumps, surgeries, hospitalizations, and lung drainings only marginally improved the quality of her life. I think in these past few months, her highlight was having her closest friends visit her, and eating delicious chocolate chip cookies and milk shakes from nearby bakery Town and Country. I only recently came to peace with God about the likelihood my mother will die soon. At first, I was angry, then in denial for a few years, then skeptical about everything. But when I look at the statistics about her sickness, non small cell lung cancer, she was more than lucky. She was blessed. Dana Reeves, the late widow of Christopher Reeves, died within 6 months of her diagnosis. 85%+ die within the first year of diagnosis. Each following year has diminishing statistics. My mom has been alive for almost 5 years now. I would consider that more than a miracle: a blessing. I was very fragile between those vulnerable years: 13-18. My mother was not just my parent. She was my confidante, my home, and one of the few people I would trust when it came to life, judgment, among other things. (Comment on this)
11:03 pm	OK my last post was rather...self delusional..or hysterical I should say. I'm not going to lose that much weight and shouldn't be that narcissistic anyways. But I am eating two square meals a day because my appetite is not that large anymore anyways. I take pride in doing my work and not letting stress take the better of me. I have been thinking about the loss of innocence lately..not the technical sense...just the overall theme of losing that aura of naivete and learning that life is not always expectedly smooth. (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 7th, 2007
3:01 am	Self-Improvement My mother always said that kicking your own ass when you don't feel like doing something is the best way to get anything done. Well, I really don't feel like writing a 12 page paper or reading my entire MMW3 reader this weekend nor do I feel like working out at a sweaty gym where hundreds of guys sweated semen and God knows what all over the place all for the sake of getting in shape. I much rather do that privately do my music where no one stares at me aghast. So my goals are: 1. Do above. 2. Lose twenty pounds. 3. Only eat 1 meal a day 4. Be tougher, cut out marginal acquaintances who use me for a)freebies b)connections to single girls and treat me like I'm their little madame. 5. Be more confident and stick up for myself more often. Current Mood: anxious (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 18th, 2007
5:58 pm	Why is everything going down a spiral? I feel that every day is a second closer to spiralling down the abyss. I feel sometimes the same way I felt when I was an angsty emo 8th grader obsessed with Linkin Park and Evanescence, like my best friend at the time was also into. She was gothic, chronically depressed and I thought that was cool. Now, emo is too trendy and yet I feel the same way a 14 year old is probably feeling. I saw a horrible looking mouse doing somersaults in my mom's files when I was straining my eyes doing research about womens changing roles at the turn of the century... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, February 12th, 2007
3:57 pm	Geisel part two Lauren is not terribly pleased I had to out her sexual orientation. I did out her as much as I did myself! Why do we always have to fight about this? You know that being part of the rainbow tribe drum circle is as groovy as heck. Why can't she learn to be comfortable with her sexuality? We went to Trader Joes yesterday and were asking around for massage oil..but damnit even that place is not gay friendly enough!!! They don't carry Burts Bees avocado shampoo and massage oil in one bottle! Lauren is looking into lawyers in Hillcrest. Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 7th, 2005
8:51 pm	At Virginia So yeah, I'm in Virginia for a month and am studying American politics. My friend kittykat123 is engaged to her boyfriend, and I have some other friends here as well. Every night we all have girl talk, and before then we sleep or study our butts off (not) for exams and papers. Though we may have different core studies, we all have one similar goal: to survive, have fun, and succeed. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 18th, 2004
10:16 pm	And I was screamed at After school, my science teacher screamed in my face for I was not following the directions exactly as he asked. I was tired, after a long day of school, having to undergo five typing tests when I obviously know how to type, and having to spend an hour and a half wasting my time in science--there are no upcoming tests so I could have been reading my fave author--Gogol. [Diary of a Madman, Dead Souls which I'm currently on ]. I've always LJ was for teenagers who go underground with angst to be supported or hide from their friends. I've heard of nightmare stories of teens caught in their liasions etc. I hope my popularity won't ridicule myself here if I post more secret stuff since my current blog gets like 400+ hits a day. I always keep my black book or top secret MS diary on my laptop--but my mom can read like Meg's mom did on American Dreams. Anyway, sorry this is too random and stream of consciousness. I figured, that on LF where its for emotional purposes only, I may as well be caresless and not scrupulous I do on my own main blog. Ciao CD (Comment on this)